But even as we find ourselves constantly moving from one thing to the next (it's never boring when you live and work with so many teenagers), Courtney and I often find ourselves talking about what it means to be a volunteer here. In simpler terms, why are we here? Or, what are we doing?? I think that could be the number one existential query for us volunteers. Last year, as a Good Shepherd Volunteer in NYC (yes, I just can't get enough), I realized that I was a volunteer at my placement mainly as a WITNESS. I was there to be a witness of the lives of the residents. I wasn't there to make their lives better. I wasn't there to fix things. Yes, those results sometimes became wonderful side effects. But mainly, I was there to witness. And in so doing, share life and love with them.
This year, it is very much the same, but of course different. First of all, we're in Malaysia. Courtney and I say that to each other every so often so that we don't forget. Usually to complement feelings of joy and wonder and gratitude. But also sometimes to remind ourselves of why we may have felt off, or more tired than usual, or just super frustrated about all the bug bites.
It's also different because Courtney and I will be hopping around different placements. Four, to be exact. We leave this beautiful place with these girls next week. We'll have been here for 2 months. Next we go to the city to spend the holidays at a pregnant women's crisis shelter (if I think 20 teenage girls is something, I'm sure 14 pregnant women will be something else). After that, we go to another hostel for primary school kids, both boys and girls, for 6 months. And then back to the city for 2 months to work at a youth center with college aged kids. Phew. This isn't a normal volunteer year (though, I suppose there is no such thing). We don't get to spend a full year at any placement. And Courtney and I have had to accept and love that.
So. Why exactly am I here? A month or so ago, our hostel director Amy was talking to us over lunch and she said something that hit me. She said, "It's so nice that you are exposed to this new culture, meet new people, see new things." And I wholeheartedly agreed. It was kind of a "duh" moment. In saying that, Amy gave me permission to fully embrace what I had initially felt guilty about feeling - I had this niggling thought that more than anything, I am here to learn new things, new ways, new beings.
Then, my beautiful NYC community member Alaina sent me an email in response to a birthday email I had sent her. I want to share her words with you: "among all of the messages i received for my birthday, what hit me the most from them and from yours was the feeling of being KNOWN…thank you for this great gift: the feeling of being known, appreciated, significant, and loved by one you love so much. which is then also the greater gift: your friendship, your attentiveness, your support…we fall in love with our friends because we know their difficult and beautiful in's and out's. i know my life is somehow better and different, my heart is somehow better and different, through our friendship."
And I realized that Alaina's words resonate so much with me now because it is how I feel about the girls here in this hostel. Our friendship is not what I have with Alaina. But it is made out of the same stuff. Ultimately, I am here to KNOW the girls and, in so doing, love them. It is a great blessing to know them. To know their names. To know their faces. To know their likes and dislikes. To know of their beautiful existence in this world. It reminds me of going to Georgia with my community members almost exactly a year ago, for the School of the Americas protest and vigil. One of the things at the vigil that hit me most deeply was praying for "unidentified woman" "unidentified man" and "unidentified child". It made me deeply sad that, along with their lives, their names were taken by violence and injustice. That remembrance continues to remind me that because we simply are, we are holy. We are amazing! Beings of light and love.
So here are some things that I know, and therefore love, about the girls. Evyliana nicknamed herself "Corro" which means "small". Nani loves to do yoga (funnily enough, led by yours truly), even though she usually yells out in pain most of the time. Bernadeth sometimes likes to talk like she's a mobster out of the side of her mouth. Michelle can hula hoop really well. Denis has complete authority over the remote control during television time. Lala made a wanted poster when we had them make mandalas. Sunita can't stop laughing once she starts. Clay is an athlete. Martina can take a few chords and play any song on her guitar. (Oh and those pictures up there: the top one is some of the girls and me - in turquoise, I know I blend in quite well - looking like I'm helping them at the Good Shepherd volunteer appreciation beach day, but I'm mostly just laughing so hard my stomach hurts. The second picture is Bernadeth and Sunita sleeping so hard they collapsed onto Courtney, on a trip back from town).
Of course, not everything we know about the girls is as easy to love. The cliques, the cattiness, the dramas, the back talk, the bullying. But that is the beauty of knowing. We know that and embrace them, not in spite of, but because of.
So here's to the girls. Here's to the women and children we will have the privilege to meet and know along this journey of a year. Here's to knowing and loving many new things, new experiences, new people. My life will be somehow better and different, my heart will be somehow better and different, more open and full.
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