The Winding Down

Right about now we’re at the point where “life after volunteering” starts to become more real. We’ve been thinking about it all year (or not) and now as we wind down our year we really have to figure it out. Some of you even have it all figured out already, got into a couple of grad schools, planning another year as a volunteer, got a job. That’s AWESOME! Others are still trying to figure it out…that’s AWESOME too!


Personally I feel like I’ll always be trying to figure it out. As a second year volunteer I’ve felt this all too familiar angst of not knowing before. Last year I calmed that angst by staying another year which has turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made … it also only makes leaving that much harder.


For me dealing with figuring out what’s next has been a bittersweet struggle. On a “good” day at work I can’t even think about what is next because I love it here so much I can’t imagine leaving. On a “not-so-good” day at work I find myself coming home and counting the days till the year is over only to frustrate myself because that also means figuring out the future. Normally the good days are pleasant distractions from thinking about the future, but lately when the not-so-good has exceeded; add to that struggles outside of work (money, family, community) and perhaps a little bit of homesickness….you find that it’s really tough to focus.


Now I don’t mean to be a Debbie-downer (and do keep reading I promise this post ends on a high note) I’m just trying to be real and maybe not everyone experiences this but it can happen and that’s OK. But now you must be wondering: what should I do? How do I get rid of this feeling? I can’t presume to know actually, I suppose it is different for everyone. But I like what Alaina talked about in her post, about JUST BEING. I think that’s the biggest thing we forget when we are worrying about other things. Up until about a week ago this is what I was struggling with: just being. And then something at school happened that really helped put things in perspective. I was able to witness what to me is a true Collier miracle and I’d like to share this with you in hopes that it will at least brighten your day:


At Collier, one of our main goals is to make high school life as normal as possible for our kids. This is why things like clubs, sports and music/drama shows are so important for us to provide. Last week, we had an Open Mic event at school. Now its important for you to know that we don’t have afterschool activities at Collier since our students come from all over New Jersey so auditions, practices and set-up all had to happen during school time. As a teacher I can tell you this is really annoying because it takes a toll on classroom lesson time, not to mention the huge monitoring we have to do to make sure everyone is where they are supposed to be.


But it’s all worth it…for the kids.


It’s all worth it especially when you find out that one particularly student, who in the 3 years he has been at Collier has hardly uttered more than 5 words to anyone, is signed up to perform. It’s hard to explain to people outside of Collier what a big deal this is, but suffice it to say that it was HUGE. I mean when you’ve never even heard someone speak you are first really proud that they have to courage to perform in front of others and second curious to finally hear their voice. And how was his voice you ask? Words can’t even explain, I’ll let this video explain for me not only how amazing his voice was but how moved the audience was; you can hear it in the silence there is while he is singing and in the standing ovation he gets in the end (I had to cut the video because I too wanted to clap)

This was the moment that I realized how worth it it all is. I mean yes it’s hard, yes things will change. I’ll move on from Collier but I will always be struggling with what’s next and that’s OK. As long as I can live NOW and just be NOW, I’ll be able to witness moments like these that make it all worth it and I’ve got Danny to thank for that  :)


Just love,

Diana